Every now and again I let myself care. I suppose it is that I forgot what the pain of rejection and dismissal feels like so I need to dip myself into those cold waters and swim until my limbs seize up and the breath is squeezed from my lungs and my heart feels as though it wants to burst. Then, the only way to thaw myself is the shower of tears that fall. My rational mind is mostly unaffected it reminds my rather stupid emotive side that it knew better and had warned us. There is not much to do but allow myself the luxury of irrationality from time to time. The checks and balances of my psyche are a strange and marvelous thing. Actions are so important and if a persons words exceed their actions it is time to reconsider who that person is to you. When you love someone, show it. Be kind to them. Treat them gently because life if difficult enough without adding to the burdens of our daily grind. The Beatles sang that you have to hide your love away, and Goethe said *what business of yours is it if I love you* and I wonder anymore if there is truth here or simply too much of the pain that comes with opening yourself to the possibility of…. more.
Every now and again my heart wants to be found special and I mistake interest shown for something it is not… I do not understand why we cannot come with instructions and directions on how to find the parts of another that work in unison with our own. Friends are just as precarious as the desire for lovers. Too often we lose vital parts of ourselves in a quest to be liked. Sometimes we give everything and get nothing not even emotional fulfillment. An expensive lesson to learn… learn it the first time. If you are fortunate enough to meet someone who gives back as much as if not more, love them well.
Try not to be bullied by your heart, it is a drunk, blind fool and will drag you into the gutter of misery and defeat if it can. Sadly, no one will heed these words. People will continue to be reckless and ignorant when it comes to love. But me, I am pretty sure that I am getting tired of the cold waters so much so that I won’t be going to the beach.
The construct of time is everything and nothing.
There are a few small hours in certain days that pass more rapidly than I want.
If I am careful the hours stretch like dough silky smooth willing to give as much as needed. And I knead but am not needed. I have not solved the puzzle of why me and not someone else… there are plenty of others there always are, never fool yourself, never lie. I tell myself little stories of plausibilities and stop my capitualting with sadly simple truths. Actions tell a different story than words ever will.
There is a tender place inside of every living thing, it drives us toward irrational thinking. I pretend I have clad this space in armor and thorns. But in these hours the eyes it does not have peer through the tangle wondering if someone has come to break it free only to be reminded as it presses toward escape by a sharp jab which sends it crashing backward away from the light.
Perhaps I am wrong to cage such a wild beast. I let it run amuck once I cannot say I regret it but I can say that I learned much as a participant observer. So that now when my neurons fire and my pulse dances in my veins I check myself looking for chinks in the chainmail or holes in the thorny hedgerow.
The problem I fear is not so much that there is a beast, but rather it is being tamed. For there is warmth that builds in these hours and it radiates through a frozen core making me want to shed the caging and trim the thorny growth.
The sky is painted darkest blue with silver clouds and moon. My brain has slowed and my heart beat too as I wait for my lashes to fall. I’m thinking now in monotone rhythm a slow and steady tattoo. You’re wondering what path my thoughts are taking? They are taking a path to you.
I saw the moon and jupiter hanging in the sky at no point did I wonder at no point did I sigh I did not blink I simply stared wide-eyed.
The sharp sting of cold air on warm nostrils reminds me I am alive. Twilight blue brings dimension to the world around me sharpening my vision and fine tuning my hearing.
I miss you.
I cannot tell you I miss you, for that would be weakness and betrayal. Mostly in my private conversations between the left and right lobes the determination is that you simply choose to not care ergo I must not care. And yet, I do.
As I lie here in the gloaming the odd rev of an engine on the highway and my breathing are the only sounds that interrupt my transcendental meditation. I reminisce about events that never happened. Earth shattering moments that define love, a gentle caress of fingertips across a forearm, the warmth that fills your soul at a smile from across a room, and the awkward glances and trying not to stare and draw attention because what if they do not feel the same way sorts of moments, moments that never happened.
And the blue changes into a golden glow pushing away the shadows and fantasies. Light beckons me from my reverie and sends my neurons firing in purposeful fashion upon the solid ground that is reality. And that reality is that my emotional yearnings are simply a trite happening for a woman of a certain age and social standing because really I should know better than to believe that love can conquer all.
The stars are blazing across the blue
Falling, falling into the ocean too
They are wishes
They are hopes
They are dreams
Lullaby’s careening at break neck pace
These shooting stars
Stars of Wonder
Stars of Might
They are diamonds, and dust that once were men.
I see them still all silvery white flashing across sceens
In the dead of the night
Their magnificence lives for awhile at least
Amongst the unfiltered, unfamous fragments of beasts
And then we smaller particles will pass into the vacuum
Of a black hole
Seen through the magnification of a fuzzy lens
Potential greatness that brings joy
(For those we lost January, 2016)
I am not so certain what the future holds. I never thought I would return to the place I am now, and yet here I sit.
The most ironic part of my leaving and retuning is that I continue to harbor the idea that love will prevail within my life. Experience has shown me time and again that this is not true. I do not recall being handed rose-colored glasses but somewhere along the line I must have been.
I have a lot of imaginary conversations in my head with people most of whom I will never meet, and even if I were afforded the opportunity to travel I doubt that they would have the balls to meet me. As I said experience has shown me disappointment time and again.
I grow weary of working for pennies and being told it is what I deserve. Objectively speaking money is a strange and meaningless way in which we humans interact, numbers on strips of colored paper that quantify and value people. I know I need money to survive but I cannot seem to earn enough to support my small family. This saddens me.
When I am alone I think, a lot. One of the thoughts that I ponder is karma. Of all the universal ideologies out there karma seems to prove itself time and again. Selfish people incur karmic events more so than others and they have woe as me events to paint their happenings in a different light. I have witnessed how karma has come into play when people try to prevent another person from gaining righteous happiness. This has particularly long term consequences that I have seen play out in the lives of people I know. I am not certain how these people can free themselves from this entrapment aside from serious soul searching and self forgiveness. Even then, the trespass against the other is what needs to be healed only it cannot be because the moment has passed and can never be recovered.
Just once, I’d like to know what it’s like to be wanted, to be cherished, to have someone let me know they’d walk 500 miles just to be by my side.
Love never hurts. Love is all that is good. Love is a gentle emotion that soothes, comforts and heals. Love brings out the best in us as people. Things that hurt are rejection, misunderstanding, being punched in the face… a “broken” heart derived from miscommunication and personal expectations is not a failure of Love it is a part of a growing process. A person either learns how to Love through introspection and examination of self and the responses one makes or they are doomed to a foolish and repetitive pattern of self flagellation wrongly identified and attributed to the wrong emotion. As Shakespeare wrote all those years ago, expectation is the root of all heartache. If you are carrying sadness about expecting the first rush of flirtation to fix you perhaps you need to unpack your own baggage and look at each item you carry with you and realize how these experiences, memories or emotions impact all that you do and how you perceive others.
Today was so full of cobwebs and ghosts that I need to hire a cleaning crew and an exorcist.
I hit snooze time and again my first alarm going off at five in the morning and the last a quarter of seven. Just past sunrise the sky was full of clouds, like those in an Old Master’s painting it was as if Rembrandt, from his heavenly repose, had taken his turn painting the sky for the pleasure of us few mortals who bother to look up.
My mind meanders as I drive and today was no different. The ghosts arrived as I crested the Kent Narrows bridge and I was thinking back to a weekend visit in which my dear friend Rae had stopped by with her three children. Her son Atticus bears a striking resemblance to his late father, my friend, George. I was showing Atticus some Chinese exercise balls and my eyes rested for a moment on his hands, and for that moment they were no longer his hands but those of his father. I remarked upon it and let it pass only to have that memory hit me in the gut. It was followed by the memory of George laughing as he would at my maudlin female upset.
The radio mocked me and save for a gun and two bullets it is still there in my car.
I arrived at work in less than timely fashion, although no more than a few minutes late. The ritual of preparing to work was hurried along by customers requiring help and in forcing me to say the date aloud, reminding me of the loss of my mother’s father. A man whom I believed to have been named Owl. I was 19 when I realized that a misheard moment when I was five years old stretched a lifetime. My Nana in her New York accent said “Oh Al, don’t be silly.” and my ears Heard it as “Oh Owl.” It made me choke up. I could not breathe and the tear sprang unbidden to my eyes. He was a good man. I miss him.
I shall not trouble you with the drama at work but this too colored my day.
Again, the ride home was miles to review not just my day but portions of my life with the possible expectation of overcoming mistakes and maybe living life in better fashion. So many mistakes. I can tell you it is dangerous and difficult to drive with eyes full of tears.
I guess the whole of it is I miss my Owl, my friend, and my unspoiled youth. I cannot resurrect the dead nor can I mend the past and I am not very certain how to sort out my future so that makes me one helluva mess.