I ask the universe for signs and answers all the time. I get them but I’d rather they hand me a manual for living my life.
I’ve gained many years on this planet. I have almost nothing to show for it except the collection of thoughts in my head. I’ve met many people from all parts of society the truly destitute to the those who command fortunes greater than any human ever needs.
I’ve been ill, I’ve been well. There is nothing strikingly original about me or my hopes and dreams.
I still make wishes, I set goals, it would just be so much better to know so the path was less bumpy and I could avoid wasting time.
There are pretenders among us. People, men and women, who claim to be damaged because of a partner who cheated on them either in a dating situation or a marriage. Then there are the people who really are suffering because they were used, and abused physically and mentally.
The first type of person here loves drama and chaos. They are selfish and self-serving and they try to gain love of an individual by saying they do not know if they can love or trust again. You will pardon me if I decry your lies. You are emotionally butt hurt and only seek to control fully a relationship by false pretense and words. In the end, should you be so lucky as to find someone who “loves” you who then makes the move to be with you… your relationship will fail because you are not weak, and you do not need a hero. You are a strong, cut throat, back stabby individual hell bent on revenge.
The second individual, the real victim, the man or woman who has been beaten, verbally demeaned, raped, and afflicted with some of the worst things humanity has to offer needs love, needs the hero, and is willing to embrace flaws, misunderstandings and open themselves to possibly being hurt again. The recognize that good things take work to make them better and their loyalty far exceeds the temperamental whirlwind of a lover scorned. However once they lose faith and trust with someone it is almost impossible to recover. These people are not perfect. Their pain is real not based on their own disappointed expectations of another.
So, for those of you out there claiming to be somehow scarred for life because a partner cheated or failed to live up to your expectations take a good long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself, did they beat me? did they break my bones? did they treat me as if I were no better than a bug on the wall to be squashed? Certainly you learned a lesson in trust and betrayal get over it an move on. There are people who are actually suffering from more than just emotional butt hurt.
The world is too much with us. I feel as though my pockets are filled with rocks. In 2008 or was it 9 I made a wish. I invoked the powers of the ancients with rituals of days gone by. Power and akasha. I washed my face in the morning dew of flowers, Iris, rose and camilla. I filled my day with thoughts, loving, kind and serene. I lit the candle. I spoke my troth. I jumped thrice over the flame at midnight.
I thought my prayer, my wish, my hope, my dream had come true. Not quite in the manner in which I had hoped, but I am flexible. Ever willing to adapt and go with the flow. I am not entirely certain that it did not come true. I had made a list… it held many criteria. 98 percent of the list was met…
What did I wish for, why that most elusive of creatures, true love.
Over the years I have wanted to say horrible things to the person I love. I have stayed my tongue, perhaps to my disadvantage. I have wanted to tell them how they have hurt me, but I stop because it is my own expectation which hurts me. My own vanity as well.
Life has taught me many things. We pay attention to that which we desire, like and want and when we truly would do anything for thing our affection is demonstrably public. There is no question as to who or what we choose. There is the unkind part of me that would wish all the pain, and tears and frustration that I have experienced as a result of loving a man who never told me with words that he loved me. Once, he told me As You Wish. I was over the moon that day, and the memory still makes me smile.
Men do not engage in conversation the way women do. Men do not understand the soft heart which is ever willing to love. Nor can they fathom the scars and pain they leave behind when they make us frail creatures feel so deeply and become attached to them with every atom that makes up who we are.
May Day is coming. I am contemplating jumping again.