Stuck

I remember being young and looking at my parents and just thinking that they were adults.  I had no idea then what it means to be an adult.  No one taught me.  I have learned a fair bit now.  Still not enough.

I class myself as a failure.  I have not accomplished anything significant.  The work I have barely pays the bills and feeds my kids.  I make just a bit too much to get assistance and I cannot talk to anyone about this because it is depressing.  No one wants to listen to depressing things.  They call it negativity and they walk away or ignore.

I’d like to be doing something productive that allows me the ability to afford my own home, pay my own way as well as that of my children and just exist peaceably among my neighbors.  Instead, I live off the largesse of my family.  This sucks.  I am thankful for a roof but it maddens me that I cannot even return the favor by providing more to them in the form of rent and bills pay.

I work to overcome the spiral of sad thoughts, it just keeps getting harder.  I suppose I should be happy that I am in my 40’s and at least halfway done this useless existence.  Should I be reincarnated I hope I come back as a tree.

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