Love never hurts. Love is all that is good. Love is a gentle emotion that soothes, comforts and heals. Love brings out the best in us as people. Things that hurt are rejection, misunderstanding, being punched in the face… a “broken” heart derived from miscommunication and personal expectations is not a failure of Love it is a part of a growing process. A person either learns how to Love through introspection and examination of self and the responses one makes or they are doomed to a foolish and repetitive pattern of self flagellation wrongly identified and attributed to the wrong emotion. As Shakespeare wrote all those years ago, expectation is the root of all heartache. If you are carrying sadness about expecting the first rush of flirtation to fix you perhaps you need to unpack your own baggage and look at each item you carry with you and realize how these experiences, memories or emotions impact all that you do and how you perceive others.
Today was so full of cobwebs and ghosts that I need to hire a cleaning crew and an exorcist.
I hit snooze time and again my first alarm going off at five in the morning and the last a quarter of seven. Just past sunrise the sky was full of clouds, like those in an Old Master’s painting it was as if Rembrandt, from his heavenly repose, had taken his turn painting the sky for the pleasure of us few mortals who bother to look up.
My mind meanders as I drive and today was no different. The ghosts arrived as I crested the Kent Narrows bridge and I was thinking back to a weekend visit in which my dear friend Rae had stopped by with her three children. Her son Atticus bears a striking resemblance to his late father, my friend, George. I was showing Atticus some Chinese exercise balls and my eyes rested for a moment on his hands, and for that moment they were no longer his hands but those of his father. I remarked upon it and let it pass only to have that memory hit me in the gut. It was followed by the memory of George laughing as he would at my maudlin female upset.
The radio mocked me and save for a gun and two bullets it is still there in my car.
I arrived at work in less than timely fashion, although no more than a few minutes late. The ritual of preparing to work was hurried along by customers requiring help and in forcing me to say the date aloud, reminding me of the loss of my mother’s father. A man whom I believed to have been named Owl. I was 19 when I realized that a misheard moment when I was five years old stretched a lifetime. My Nana in her New York accent said “Oh Al, don’t be silly.” and my ears Heard it as “Oh Owl.” It made me choke up. I could not breathe and the tear sprang unbidden to my eyes. He was a good man. I miss him.
I shall not trouble you with the drama at work but this too colored my day.
Again, the ride home was miles to review not just my day but portions of my life with the possible expectation of overcoming mistakes and maybe living life in better fashion. So many mistakes. I can tell you it is dangerous and difficult to drive with eyes full of tears.
I guess the whole of it is I miss my Owl, my friend, and my unspoiled youth. I cannot resurrect the dead nor can I mend the past and I am not very certain how to sort out my future so that makes me one helluva mess.