I am not so certain what the future holds. I never thought I would return to the place I am now, and yet here I sit.
The most ironic part of my leaving and retuning is that I continue to harbor the idea that love will prevail within my life. Experience has shown me time and again that this is not true. I do not recall being handed rose-colored glasses but somewhere along the line I must have been.
I have a lot of imaginary conversations in my head with people most of whom I will never meet, and even if I were afforded the opportunity to travel I doubt that they would have the balls to meet me. As I said experience has shown me disappointment time and again.
I grow weary of working for pennies and being told it is what I deserve. Objectively speaking money is a strange and meaningless way in which we humans interact, numbers on strips of colored paper that quantify and value people. I know I need money to survive but I cannot seem to earn enough to support my small family. This saddens me.
When I am alone I think, a lot. One of the thoughts that I ponder is karma. Of all the universal ideologies out there karma seems to prove itself time and again. Selfish people incur karmic events more so than others and they have woe as me events to paint their happenings in a different light. I have witnessed how karma has come into play when people try to prevent another person from gaining righteous happiness. This has particularly long term consequences that I have seen play out in the lives of people I know. I am not certain how these people can free themselves from this entrapment aside from serious soul searching and self forgiveness. Even then, the trespass against the other is what needs to be healed only it cannot be because the moment has passed and can never be recovered.
Just once, I’d like to know what it’s like to be wanted, to be cherished, to have someone let me know they’d walk 500 miles just to be by my side.